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kevin

“My name is Kevin Millet and I’m an Ex Mormon.”

I became a Mormon zealot at the age of 19, while on an LDS mission. My own thoughts were subjugated to those of “the Brethren.” I became convinced that the way to love God, myself and my fellow man was to follow the prophet faithfully and work hard to save the non-Mormons from their misery. I continued in this state until I hit a wall at age 33. I had been married for 10 years with 5 kids and one on the way. I was both a Ward Mission Leader and a Den Leader at the time. I was maxed out and miserable in just about every area of my life. My marriage was struggling, my relationship with my children was deteriorating, and financial pressures were mounting. I’d always been an avid temple goer, genealogy researcher, scripture reader, tithing payer, home teacher, family home evening holder and on and on. I lived the Mormon “Gospel.” The peace of mind that the scriptures promised to the Believers, however, wasn’t there and it was getting worse by the day.

I soon lost my desire to attend Church, but was far too committed and afraid to not. For several years I continued to live by Church teachings and pray that I would get my testimony back. Then one day the Stake President asked me to be the new High Counselor. “At last,” I thought, “my prayers have been answered! While serving in this new calling I’ll certainly regain my testimony.” Serve I did, faithfully for the entire three year rotation. When I was released, however, it was clearer to me than ever that I and the Church were on two completely different wavelengths. I saw suffering throughout our Stake, people feeling alone, unloved and unsupported. I had worked to do something about it for years. This desire, however, didn’t seem to be one that was shared by my fellow leaders. Our mandate was to preach obedience. From the reports the Stake President would give, upon returning from training meetings with Apostles and other General Authorities, it was obvious that preaching obedience was what they wanted as well. The mantra seemed to be, “If everyone would just follow the rules, everyone will be happy.” Well, I did and I was miserable. My neighbors seemed pretty good at being obedient, as well, and they didn’t seem too happy either.

As my awareness of the indifference to Member’s social, spiritual and emotional needs grew; my dissatisfaction with the Church did too. It seemed to me that somewhere along the Church’s 180 year history the idea of the Church being there for the benefit of the Members got reversed. Instead of the Church existing to help its Member’s, now it seemed that the Member’s existed to be there for the benefit of the Church. In the end, it was the doctrine of obedience before love or, more specifically, the preaching of obedience as a substitute for love, which drove me away.

Now it all seems so simple. The message of Jesus was never obedience before love, but rather obedience to love. For me, that is where, what I call Spirit, comes in. I no longer view God as someone sitting on a throne, but rather as a benevolent force that is love. Spirit informs me in every moment whether a choice I am making is in harmony with love or not. So, sure, commandments can be useful in the beginning, like training wheels for a child learning to ride a bicycle. But once we begin to mature, the reliance on those commandments and the “Brethren” should be replaced with direct interaction with Spirit. The real path of peace is inner-guided. The path of love is clear to me when I take the time to listen, both to my own thoughts and to Spirit directly. I find that I not only have peace, but that I love my life, myself and those around me. I now live true to myself and am giving the gift I was born to give. My children and I have real and meaningful relationships, my finances have steadily improved and, funny thing is, I am closer to Spirit than I ever was as a “card-carrying” Member.

If practicing the LDS faith deepens your inner peace, strengthens your ability to love and nourishes you spiritually, then Mormonism is probably perfect for you. If, however, you are like me and it doesn’t, please know that Spirit has a path for you that will. Although a bit scary at first, this path is an amazingly rewarding one, filled with personal growth that leads to a “peace that surpasses all understanding.”

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FindingPeace/Donna
July 16th, 2011 at 6:23 am

Kevin,
Bravo! Your story resonated with me. I felt the same discouragement when I was a Primary President. I thought the Christ was about helping people, but I discovered that unless someone is an active mormon, then the church is reluctant to assist.

And the crashing airplane story……I totally get that. It brought tears to my eyes. I no longer live in fear. I am at peace.

Tobin
July 16th, 2011 at 8:31 am

Wow Kevin, you nailed just about everything I dislike about Mormonism. It sounds miserable and I know lots of people that are in the same boat in the church. I try to convince them to put God first and if God tells them that doing all that other junk makes sense, then go nuts. I myself have never found much of it useful. Of course, I’m one of those members that has been disinvited from Sunday School because I ask probing questions. Ah well, I hope now that you got out off the hamster wheel, you’ll be able to discover God at last and find some more satisfying answers. I would hope you wouldn’t abandom Mormonism completely. There are alot of useful truths buried under all that junk they make you do.

Tobin

L. Watson
July 16th, 2011 at 11:24 am

Thanks Kevin for sharing such a positive story about your life transition. Governance and soveriengty of one’s own thoughts and being are essential. Any organization that takes away autonomy of the self in no ways serves the individual nor humanity as a whole. May your message resonate with others who have “given away” their autonomy. Self governance is empowerment and true life fulfillment wherein one can begin to truly give of their gifts to the world.

July 16th, 2011 at 12:10 pm

SWEETHEART!!! So happy to see that you did one of these and are so brilliantly sharing who you are – cause who you are is pretty spectacular. XO

Phil
July 16th, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Bravo! Life is for living. The “Brethren” lead us to mortal and spititual death.

Tracy
July 16th, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Thank you! This definitely gave me more insight to know that walking away last weekend from the “Church” was the best decision ever. In just a short week, I am no longer frustrated with every little thing I do, nor am I thinking that what I am doing is not good enough for that higher calling.
I know now that it was all wrong for me to follow that life instead of the one I should have been all this time.

Kevin S. Millet
July 18th, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Tracy, it makes my heart sing to hear that. It’s why I chose to accept Dan’s invitation to make the clip. Thank you for letting me know that it is helpful to you. Kevin

Jay
July 17th, 2011 at 2:43 am

I think that I grew up across the street from your father in Ogden. Thanks for sharing your story.

Jay
July 17th, 2011 at 2:51 am

I should say that I grew up across the street from both your parents. :)

Kevin S. Millet
July 18th, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Shouldn’t you include me in who you grew up across the street from? Maybe you are quite a bit younger and knew them after I’d flown the coop. Either way, Hi neighbor! Kevin

Jay
July 19th, 2011 at 9:26 pm

That is most likely true. I am quite a bit younger and I knew your parents well. Wonderful people! My brother even worked for your dad for a time.

Johanna Hofer
July 17th, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Articulate, sincere, moving….Thank you for sharing this, Kevin. I’m so happy you decided to take the risks necessary to claim true happiness for yourself. Bravo.

All my love – Johanna

Michael Jarman
July 17th, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Kevin’s statements and video is really awesome. It tells of a person who is following his inner self and desire to connect to God. I must be a “different Mormon” that what I read about in these great posts. I DO find great peace in just connecting with Jesus Christ and God, and I see it more simply, that my connection is “simple”, that it is more a feeling, that comes inside you, and fills you with ideas, insights, words, and things to say and do to others, to lift them and edify them. It is like God connects with me. All the element of “following the brethern, and obedience, and “all the trappings” I do not have an issue with, do not seem burdensome to me, but when they speak, I have had similar experiences, thoughts, etc….it is like I am connected and that seems normal to me. I also find great enjoyment when my God speaks to me AND my baptist neighbor, and we seem to have spiritual promptings for each other. I find this inter-faith experience, without concerns for name of our religion greatly enjoyable. Example: A friend last week gave me “Christian” video called Joshua. I watched it several times, felt impressed to give it to him, did so, he enjoyed it, bought the book for me to read.

Kevin S. Millet
July 18th, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Michael, I’m envious of you. I couldn’t find that connection without leaving behind a big part of my family heritage and personal life. You get to have your cake and eat it too. I hope you share your experience and let it be a light to those in Mormonism that don’t get to experience that precious gift you’ve tapped into. Cheers, Kevin

July 18th, 2011 at 8:25 am

Beautiful message, Kevin.
So true to the joy and energy of authentic living. I’ll be sharing this.

Peace,
Shane

Melissa Peterson
July 18th, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Kevin,
I am so grateful to have reconnected with you. Your desire for truth, health and authentic experiences have inspired me. I love all the ways you express YOU. Thank you for being my teacher, coach and best of all… friend.
Love you dearly,
Melissa

Kevin S. Millet
July 18th, 2011 at 11:10 pm

I was with my 13 year old daughter tonight. She watched this video this past Saturday night. The next day she attended Sunday School and the lesson was on how miserable people are after they leave the Church. She told me that she couldn’t help but laugh and smirk as the teacher taught her lesson. The teacher eventually commented on how unruly the class was. She told me, proudly, that is was just her, everyone else was behaving. It reminded me of how much propaganda I was exposed to for so many years. Thank you Dan for this project. People need to know that, contrary to what the Church would have you believe, you can be exmo and be happy and at peace.

The Bishop's ex wife
December 8th, 2013 at 4:05 pm

Thank you so much for sharing this comment – I have two children (15 and 18) that will no longer speak to me because I left their dad and the church. It is heartbreaking that they won’t give me a chance to show them how different I am. This gives me some hope.

Rob
July 21st, 2011 at 11:47 am

I am a Happy Latter Day Saint. I know my heavenly Father loves me and is proud of me for being strong. I will pray for you all. I know that Jesus is the savior of the world and I say these things the sacred name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Dan Johnson (admin)
July 23rd, 2011 at 8:15 am

Thanks for your comment Rob. I appreciate your love for your fellow man! :)

saedra
February 1st, 2012 at 4:41 pm

BOOYA!!:)

Mike
July 21st, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Rob. What’s your last name? Ot?

July 23rd, 2011 at 10:51 am

I love how he came to the realization that he could be just as loving if not more so without God/church in his life. It always kind of disgusts me when people don’t understand that. When I left the church, my seminary teacher could not understand why I would be “good” if it weren’t for God. That made me really sad to think if it weren’t for God, he would be immoral.

Patricia
July 23rd, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Kevin,

I totally agree with you – give yourself permission to be YOU..

The day I stood up in a testimony meeting and spoke MY truth was the day I was completely free.. YAY!!

Thanks too for sharing how you found true LOVE in your life… Awesome!!

I also love the artwork on the wall, who is the artist please?

lance
July 31st, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Kevin.
I am still a strong member is the church and have a strong tesimony. My bother was/is like you still a great man and a good example to me.- I still have the same love for him as I always have. In the same high school and class as you, but diffrent circle of friend I remember you as some one that care for people and very understanding You and your friends lance and brad were all like that. I have wondered over the years what you have been up to. And it is fun following you on facebook. I agree to the point that Jesus taught above all else is to love one and another. I also agree that you need to be true to your self. Stay strong and closd the the spirit as you see fit.

Dan Johnson (admin)
August 1st, 2011 at 6:29 am

Thanks so much for your comment Lance!

August 1st, 2011 at 12:08 am

The painting in the background, called Surfacing, was painted by Olivia Pendergast.

Kris
November 29th, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Great story! How did your wife and kids react to your awakening? Are they still members, or have they left the church? Most couples I know, end up in divorce after the spouse leaves the church. I am in a difficult situation where I know beyond a doubt that the church is not for me, but my spouse is a die-hard member. Whenever I bring up my true feelings towards the church, my spouse says I just need to have a strong desire to know the church is true.

How do people that have come to this realization or awakening deal with family members (spouses) who would practically take a bullet for the church? I love my kids and don’t want to leave them, but if I don’t believe in the doctrine, what do I do? The family and social implications of leaving the church are so dramatic and intimidating. I’m interested in hearing how others have dealt with this. Thanks!

Kevin Millet
November 1st, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Hi Kris,

She was very understanding and patient while I got clarity on what choice I wanted to make. She has remained a faithful LDS and has since remarried. Most of my children, I have six, are no longer involved with the Church.

Lots of love,
Kevin

James
October 4th, 2011 at 10:46 am

Cool story. But I wouldn’t be caught dead on that bike, man.

Godeaux
October 21st, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I, on the other hand, think the bike rocks. You might want to raise the seat a touch, but it has a cool character to it, much like yourself. Go get ’em.

mormon100
October 26th, 2011 at 8:34 pm

i think you are gay and you could not stand living the law of Chastity

Josh
November 1st, 2011 at 11:06 am

Kevin

I’m sorry to hear that your experiences were without love. Seems like you grew up in a pretty messed up part of town, as calling a High Councilor without a testimony is truly odd. Feeling that the “Brethren” would teach anything but Love towards others and selfless service to others as well as obedience to “the church” instead of God, seems a little contrary to the past 35 years of my experience. I feel sad that there are “Mormons” that go through these experiences, as this is not the way it should be, but sounds like you had some bad local leadership. It REALLY sad that you could have gone through all of those experiences or serving, missions, cub scouts, and within your community and not have been filled with more Love toward God and your fellow man. I’m glad you are experiencing this now, I hope that the obedience that you learned was not obedience to the “church” but towards God and his commandments. “If ye Love me keep my commandments”. I hope the Love you feel towards others continues to grow. I hope your children will learn the same. You will know if your choice was good or bad, based on how your Grand-Children, decide to live their life. Good Luck and God Bless y

Anonymous Mormon
November 12th, 2011 at 11:42 pm

I don’t understand why we should commend someone for encouraging others to abandon their faith. Of all the Mormons I know, none of them seem unhappy because of their belief system. If you were depressed and no longer felt life was worth living how does that translate to the church’s fault? Maybe it was family problems? Maybe it was self problems? Maybe it was certain intolerable members in the church? “The church is true, the members aren’t always”. On the other hand maybe it was the church, but why would you follow so blindly and blame it all on being conditioned to do so. I am a member of the LDS church. I haven’t attended in years now but I do believe it HELPED shape my morals and who I am today. My parents aren’t ashamed of me. I’m not looked down upon. I don’t feel like an outcast. I can never understand why all of the ex-mormons I hear from sound like they’re on a mission to destroy the church. Just because we’re mormons doesn’t mean we are miserable or “on a hamster wheel”. Maybe we just don’t have other problems clouding our judgement and leaving us to scramble and find something to blame it all on…… (flame shield up) but as long as your happy I say kudos to you. Happiness and a relationship with God are the most important things. I was just speaking my mind and presenting a different point of view.

saedra
February 1st, 2012 at 4:38 pm

thank you!! I compleatly agree!!

Frank
November 24th, 2011 at 4:21 am

Dude, theres your problem Kevin my friend. You’re saying that when you ask yourself what would Kevin do, and do not need to be told what “the brethren” wants you to do, you are referring yourself to be above God, because “the brethren” is God’s mouthpiece. Do you believe in Prophets, Kevin? When you worry too much about what you think or what you want, then you can’t recieve revelation about what God wants… that’ll be half the reason why you’re not happy champ.

Pres Hinkley stated when he served his mission, he had feelings of inadequacy, so he wrote home explaining how frustrated he felt and he recieved a letter back from his father which only had 1 sentence in it saying “Forget yourself, and go to work.”

I’m very active and attending church weekly and what makes me happy is watching my kids live and follow good principles, aiming to live debt free and within our means, being self reliant, get a good education, living the Law of chastity and Word of wisdom so my family is living in a violent-free and spirit dwelling home, living worthy of the Priesthood to bless my family when they’re sick and to give comfort, also bless other people and give them comfort… and many many more. Now you should know where all these teachings come from right… they all came from Prophets or in your terminology “the brethren” who God reveals his truths too. You’re saying you don’t need to take heed of these things because you rely on your own wisdom.

I’m not one to judge my fellow brother, but personally, what keeps me going is to be Eternally happy with God and my family. That’s the big picture for me. I don’t have time to stop and think what I want. All my trust i put in His hands, because i am but a man. Say a prayer to yourself and ponder this scripture: Prov 3: 5-6. It was a seminary scripture mastery so i’m sure you know it. God bless you Brother Millet.

Patricia Trevor
December 27th, 2011 at 7:19 am

My own spiritual journey is similar, even though I grew up in the Southern Baptist tradition. The idea that pastors hired by the church (how do we know they were chosen by God?) have the definitive interpretation of God’s will, and any questioning of that is sacrilege, is what turned me away from organized religion. I will not attend a church that tells me what to believe and discourages thinking and understanding in favor of simply accepting and believing. Surely, God would want more of us and for us. Just one question. Did you find a faith community that will support you in your quest for goodness in this life? Many of us would love to find a church like that.

Kevin Millet
November 1st, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Hi Patricia,

The short answer is no, but I did find inspiration and clarity in attending Catholic Mass, participating in life coaching, LGATs and “The Work” of Byron Katie. In the end, I developed a very strong connection with Spirit that is more than adequate in providing “support in my quest for goodness.”

All the best,
Kevin

Victoria
January 8th, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I would love to know how your wife is taking all this? She is still in the same house, isn’t she?

Amy
January 15th, 2012 at 9:03 am

Why is it that so many people assume if we lose our devotion to “the church” that we are somehow completely wayward and unable to promote wonderful values in our homes? My children and I live a peaceful life full of love, kindness, and respect. They are learning to Love themselves and do good because it IS good and what they want. They LIKE seeing each other happy! Church doesn’t teach this. Loving parents do.

Ross
January 26th, 2012 at 2:53 am

What a cool guy! I can’t get enough of these videos!

unknown
February 1st, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I compleatly agree with Frank!! “FORGET YOURSELF AND GO TO WORK”!! enough said.

Mike
April 16th, 2012 at 6:06 am

Most people in the Mormon Church want to live as well.

Your story clearly isn’t about the church.

Liz
May 13th, 2012 at 12:55 am

I live in Utah now. I grew up in the midwest and then went to the west coast.. The CULTURE here in Utah is what is warped. Not the church. Lot’s of phoniness, it’s very important to fit in – tons of plastic surgery billboards and superficial junk. Look, the rest of the country is less like that. Only Hollywood, Washington D.C., and Utah are so into group think. Try the Church of Jesus Christ in another state. You will see it in it’s true light. I’m moving out of this state too. It’s a tough place to handle. I feel sorry for the mopes that huddle together here and never get out to think for themselves. But don’t be throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It’s more complex than what I’m seeing in these little clips.”I stopped going to church and stopped believing in God, and VOILA I’m so happy now!” That’s just as weird to me as being a religious lemming.

Diego
July 2nd, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I hope you will welcome some comments from a former Christian who’s now atheist. Like many of you who struggled to align your learned doctrines with your internal sense of justice and reason, I grew up in one of the oldest formal Christian faiths. I served in my local church and in college, participated in a mission outreach. Mostly, I do not regret the many fine people I met in these activities nor the study of human ethics that derived from my participation.

It took quite a personal effort to recognize that I did not, ultimately, accept the mythic concepts that stitched the religion together and that it was false on my part to continue acting as if I completely agreed with the basis of the faith. Since, I have come to be completely comfortable in my understandings. I admire all those whose reason leads them to truth. It takes great courage and must be recognized. It is good to know that against fear and deception, people are still willing to brave social accommodation to find real answers in life.

Another Anonymous Mormon
July 8th, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I hope you will all lend me an ear when I say this. I’m sorry that so many of you have had bad experiences with the church. No one is perfect, not even the members. I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints. I have a strong testimony of the church and its principles. Just a statement…….. I know that people over time have led cons and scandals, but i don’t know why Joseph Smith would go through tar&featherings, imprisonment, persecution, etc. for most of his life if he didn’t KNOW what he was doing was true. If you have found issues with your personality or church “rules”, than let me tell you how that went for me. I know that I am one of God’s children, and that he loves me SO much. I find comfort in that knowledge, and in the fact that I have a tetimony. As for the rules— I know that they may seem like restrictions, but look… Law of Chastity prevents the unwanted consequences of premarital sex. The Word of Wisdom forbids alcohol, tobacco, drugs, and addictive/ potentially addictive substances( which are known to be bad anyway). Tithing helps further the work of God on earth and shows your devotion and love for him and his gospel. Modesty prevents negative attention and reputations from coming your way. I have attended this church since I was little, and didn’t always have a conviction of my own…. but NOW I DO!!! It was so exciting for me when I realized that a part of me already knew this truth, and i’d just been kidding myself into bouts of doubt and unsurity for years. I have felt the Holy Ghost testify to me with such undeniable power and potency, and THAT is how I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true! I have FELT it, and come to know it. I started with just a testimony that God exists, and then I gained a testimony of the Atonement. Now my testimony has expanded and I know with surety and no doubt that the church is true. I encourage you all to pray about the church, pray about the words spoken by LDS Church leaders and read the Book of Mormon. I have read it with my family several times and by myself over the past years. I know it’s true because A) It just “clicks” and makes sense to me, and my intuition feels it’s true B)I know the curch is true, so it follows that the Book of Mormon is true. (And so is the Bible, as long as it is translated correctly.) Pray about the principles of the church. Maybe you can find some lost faith and hope again!

Another Anonymous Mormon
July 8th, 2012 at 3:24 pm

also, The Book of Mormon was written as historical record. Somebody with Joseph Smith’s Education level couldn’t have just made it up or translated it without divine help. Did you know that in the 1800’s, the translation of the Book of Mormon from the records it was translated FROM was brought to a language specialist who said the translation was completely correct and historically accurate, and the linguist ( who obviously specialized in this kind of ancient language) signed off that it was legitimate, but when they told him about God speaking to prophets in the present-day, he ripped up the certificate he had just said and pretty much said “never mind”, even though he knew it was correct. The Book of Mormon is true… from a faith standpoint and a historical/lingual one.

Kevin Millet
November 1st, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Dear Another Anonymous Mormon,

First off, your message is super cute – I LOVE IT! I love your enthusiasm and your obvious desire to see others happy like you. I hope you continue to be happy and enthusiastic about Mormonism. I also want you to know that if that changes at some point, like it did for me, life outside the Church can be beautiful too, even something you can be just as happy and enthusiastic about.

All the best,
Kevin

Alice
August 16th, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Kevin thanks so much!!!! I was recently attending BYU-Idaho and have been doubting the church for a very long time…. I’m still Christian and believe the ‘good book’ and that the things the gospel itself teaches, but I have gone through some rough stuff and want to leave the church… The school administrators said that I was suicidal and have taken me out of the school system because of it, and everything in science and research says not to do that to a suicidal person. It’s a good thing I wasn’t really suicidal before getting kicked out. It has only made me wish that I could die by some terrible accident so I wouldn’t have to live with it all every day… I really hope you have found everlasting peace by doing what you want and being happy. I hope that one day the mormons will stop judging and allow us to be happy by actually living good lives like those hypocrites preach.

Kevin Millet
November 1st, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Hi Alice,

I was just telling a friend on the phone today that life just keeps getting better and better ever since Spirit and my own heart became the only authorities in my life. All the best to you in navigating your exodus from such an absurd educational institution.

Love,
Kevin

Elise
August 20th, 2012 at 9:46 pm

I really needed this. Thankyou so much for sharing. I am in so much pain and turmoil right now as it seems I am finally coming to terms with the reality that a part of me always knew. At the age of 32, I am still a member, but I don’t think I can be for much longer, and feel like an honest person. I have yet to face the ordeal of telling friends and family of the decision that I haven’t quite made yet. It requires so much courage. Especially when scriptures keep repeating in my head, telling me that I shouldn’t be ‘leaning unto my own understanding’ and that I am prideful and rebellious because I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t help but worry about which of my close friends, if any, will think me fit to be a friend after leaving the church that has been so much a part of all of our lives for so very long. I realized recently as I was teaching yet another Relief Society lesson (that I didn’t fully agree with) which was about how we need to spread the joy of the gospel and tell everyone how much joy it has brought into our lives – that I wasn’t feeling joy at all. In fact, I was terribly depressed and felt lower about myself than ever – even though I wasn’t committing any big sin I could think of (other than questioning the truthfulness of some gospel messages) and I recall thinking how I wished that God did not exist. That very thought shocked me. But I suppose that I feel so weighed down by the fact that I feel that I do not fit in with these people and that somehow makes me wicked. I don’t want to be wicked. But I don’t fit the cookie cutter either. Each of these lessons I was teaching from the manual about George Albert Smith seemed to have a threatening message: If you do not do your geneology to the best of your ability, then if and when you reach the Celestial Kingdom, all these people there will look down on you for not having done their work. If you do not use every opportunity to preach the gospel, then you are an ungrateful servant and if you focus primarily on the salvation of your own family and not all God’s children then you are selfish. If you question the prophets or any church leaders then you are prideful and your soul is in great peril. I found these messages so unkind and exhausting that I could not teach those parts of the lesson. I preferred to focus on ways we can improve and support each other in these endeavors, rather than the overwhelming message that we are simply never doing enough/good enough. Then I felt guilty for filtering the message based on my own beliefs (pride.) Recently I stumbled across a podcast by Brent Palmer about some of the truths about the history of the church, which he had uncovered. It was a wonderful podcast, but even as I listened to it, I felt very worried that a member friend might show up at my door or call me on the phone or my husband might come home or my children might pick up something they hear and repeat it and somehow someone would find out that I was actually listening to stuff that questions the truthfulness of the mormon church. The very fact that I was so scared was a bit of a realization to me – why should I feel so guilty about wanting to search out the truth? Who is guilting us into looking only at church-approved resources? The answer is obvious. The first time I brought a book to my bishop (which I had bought at the church bookstore) and asked him to explain some of the very disturbing things it revealed about the church’s past, he accused me of pride. He told me that it was a sin to doubt and that I should go home and repent of reading such things and go to the Lord only in Faith, seeking to gain a testimony of the gospel. Then he cast out evil spirits from me. I feel guilty even divilging this. This was a man I knew and loved, but I still felt like he totally invalidated my concerns and put the blame on me. Since then, I have been afraid to take my questions to the bishop. The response from others seems to be that it is simply Satan working on my soul to make me doubt. So I keep it inside and it eats away at me. I am in for a scary ride, but your story gives me courage. Sorry for writing such a long-winded note, but I wanted you to know that you have touched me. Thank you.

Kevin Millet
November 1st, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Wow, Claire, you have touched me! Thank you for sharing your heart and it’s contents. I wish you all the best in your courageous and thrilling journey. Love, Kevin

MIchiko Sasaki
August 31st, 2012 at 4:42 pm

HELLO ALL!
I am a mormon myself, pretty much born into and then fell out at one point because I wanted to find my true identity/belief because I started t realize it was all I knew. As I have been blessed with amazing talents as a actress/singer/dancer, I have met and experienced meeting and living in such diverse places with experiences that have led me to really seek GOD and my true purpose. So, I totally get it! VER FEW MORMONS ARE GENUINELY HAPPY DEEP DOWN. MOST JUST PUT ON THE FACE…they just dont realize it because theyve been told what to do, how to live, what to believe all their Lives. Most of my mormon friends (married with children, obedient, strong members) have told me from their hearts they wish that a part of them could have experienced the things I have. To have liberty in your heart to live openly and to find who you truly are with GOD. I have found that and YES, there is no other amazing feeling to know that I have found GOD through my own being and not being told how to live or be. Mormons will judge me till today because I have found myself outside of the church. And I see Mormon people love to judge for the reason of Pride. That is the result of them no being truly happy who they are. So it all makes sense…I dont feel sorry them, I just pray and hope they will find a way to find liberty through GOD somehow and not live in a Nutshell. So for those of you mormons on this page putting negative judgement to REPENT and stuff…I PRAY for you! No one in this life has the right to tell anyone (Good, bad, etc) how to Live and to say that God will punish them! He will punish you for judging. I have been able to live more fully like Heavenly Father because I have accepted that all Humans are different in all aspects of beliefs, and that is quite OK! Let them live a happy life…be happy for them and be Encouraging!
Love, Light and Praise!~ Michiko

Nad
February 17th, 2016 at 9:33 pm

If the person was your frenid, they would probably be happy to hear from you. It would be a pleasant surprise to reconnect.If they don’t reply, it could be the wrong email address or an email address that they no longer use.I use it every day.

Jason Kack
September 27th, 2012 at 9:39 pm

I commend you FEW mormons who have the courage to question what is obviously rammed down your thoats by your families and the church from birth. What amazes me is that most of you do not do this until your 30’s or 40’s. I find it absolutely incredible what sheep the mormons are. Wake up, open your eyes and your hearts to the rest of the WORLD!
How can so many of you be educated but have read so few books outside your religion?
Your faith has many issues that will bring the LDS down in the coming decades… your hold on women, hate for homosexuality and issues with minorities (love the i am morman with all minorities on bill boards but no african americans in church until 1978? And it is interesting all the top corporate slots (profits) are pasty white guys. I find your faith, the radical muslims and the radical christians the whole problem not the solution. Science will continue to show your and other religions are just a lot of BS. Do you mormon men really believe you will bea planet and make celsitial children? Shows your women are weak at best… oh yeah they are just to breed and be moons in orbit waiting on judgement… your are all so crazy!
I think it is funny the supporting mormons are anonymous on here…. what chicken for a little diolog…. i would love to chat with some of you fools… i mean believers!

Holly
November 1st, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Hi Kevin. Thank you for your positive message about listening to yourself. I’m navigating this faith transition thing right now, and it’s very helpful & encouraging. A few months back my husband expressed major doubts in the church, and although I love him for who he is & not because he is/was Mormon, I thought for sure I could find the info he needed to sufficiently put him back in the box i wanted him. And that we were comfortable in. In researching church doctrines & history I was surprised that I was confirming his concerns, rather than correcting them. I feel myself coming out of the box, and it excites me & I love it. But it also scares me to have a totally new normal. The church is our framework, and everything in life is the church. My integrity requires more from me, and I look forward to what lies ahead.

Kevin Millet
November 1st, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Holly, I’m always so happy when I learn of couples who can make the transition together. Good on you for loving the man and not the box. Enjoy the journery! Kevin

Jack
December 29th, 2012 at 2:58 pm

After many years in the church it became clear to me, as it did for Kevin, that somewhere along the line the ideal that “the church was for the people” got turned upside down to “the people are there for the church.”

It became obvious over time that people were secondary to the ‘program’ (whatever the flavor of the month was, i.e., reading the BOM in a year, having the missionary lessons in every home, the Four Generation genealogy push, insisting that every home had church magazine subscriptions, etc., etc.). It seemed completely contrary to Christ’s teachings to me.

Like Kevin I was faithful in all things, was a Bishop for an extended period, Stake Mission President, High Counselor and served in a Stake Presidency. I also taught Early Morning Seminary for years and taught in the Institute program. I also served as an LDS chaplain in our state’s prison system for many years.

I sat through literally thousands of leadership meetings where the oft repeated non-scriptural mantra that “Obedience is the first law of heaven” was incessantly repeated to the point of brainwashing. I used to think to myself, ‘I guess Jesus was kidding when he said in Matthew that the great commandment was, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ …the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

Jesus added, “All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Not surprisingly, I guess LDS prophets didn’t/don’t feel Jesus’s words apply to them. The church now lives in the Pray, Pay and Obey era. Hard to fathom that the ‘one true church’ would make such a radical change that makes love an afterthought or merely window-dressing.

Also discouraging was participating in meetings where people were being considered for callings by the spirit of desperation and expediency rather than any spiritual consideration. This revealed a kind of arrogance and lack of consideration by the priesthood. On many occasions I opposed the calls or ultimately abstained from voting, to no effect.

Finally, sitting on so-called ‘courts of love’ where the outcome was a foregone conclusion before the court was held showed what a sham the whole priesthood process is. Often General Authorities had a pet peeve about something someone said, did or wrote to them about. They would instruct the local leaders to handle it without involving them or indicating they requested the action. It reminded me of the King Noah, presiding over a wicked kingdom guided by false priests who tried and burned the prophet Abinadi.

My only regret is teaching my family that the church was true. They jumped through the hoops for me earning all the right awards (Scouting, Young Womanhood Award, etc.) and ended up sad and confused in the end. I was lucky that several of them led the way out of the church and showed me the way.

I’m glad that Kevin did what he did, as it is always comforting to know that we are all on our way to discovering who we are, and encouragement by Kevin and others gives us the courage to do the same.

Floyd
February 3rd, 2013 at 10:38 am

Interesting discussion that I happened to stumble onto, so if an interloper can toss in a perspective, I will.

I’m a lifelong and happy member of the LDS Church, probably a bit older than Kevin, having served in roles like those he described, and having observed some of the things Kevin has observed in the lives of members, or at least believing I’ve observed that. I should be careful not to assume that I know what others are thinking or feeling, or what motivates their behavior.

Members that appear to live the unhappy style of obedience-driven lives that Kevin and others describe here remind me of those that Lehi describes in his dream as having endured mists of darkness and other hardships, holding to the word of god as they understand it (the iron rod), coming to the point that they taste of the fruit of the tree, that which Lehi describes as being the most desirable experience possible, and finding themselves dissatisfied and ashamed (see 1 Nephi 8:21-25).

I believe that story is there precisely to warn us against living a life divorced from the peace of the spirit, warning us against doing the things God asks of us without understanding the master whom we are serving. My experience with “the brethren” and my reading of the scriptures, and my life’s experiences convince me that obedience for its own sake does little for me. Christ is my advocate with the father not because of my goodness, but because of His (see D&C 45:3-5). He asks the father to spare me only because of my belief on his name. Now my beliefs are related to my behavior. I cannot really say I believe in Christ if I am not willing to bear another’s burdens for Christ’s sake, if I am not willing to fast and pray to come to know Him better, if I am not willing to consider on a regular basis how I can live a more Christlike life.

When I am confronted with a choice related to obedience or, rather, to something the church or the lord ask of me, I like to consider my belief, and whether the spirit whispers peace to me related to the choice I make. Behavior motivated by belief makes a lot more sense to me than does belief motivated by fear or habit or any number of other transitory motives.

That means I don’t ask myself to be perfect, just honest with myself about what will really bring lasting peace to me. So if I don’t feel like going to the temple as often as some might suggest I should, or if I don’t go home teaching every month, or If i dont read the scriptures as often as some might suggest, or if i go to see a movie others might think objectionable, etc. etc. I don’t feel condemned, and I’m pretty comfortable that the lord also doesn’t condemn me for those and other perceived shortcomings.

When I make mistakes i can tell because my peace is disturbed and i can appeal to Christ for help and forgiveness. I believe that we are that we might have joy and that joy comes in and through the love that is expressed by Christ through his atoning mercy toward me. He does want me to be perfect as he is, but perfection is an asymptotic concept, as a mathematician might describe it. Nobody gets there quickly; nobody gets there in this life. And the only way I think I can get there eventually is by learning to respond to the promptings of peace in my life as I experience them. And I believe that the best way I can continue that process of growth is by active participation in my faith and what I do believe is his restored gospel.

Finally, I’m happy that Kevin and others that have posted here find peace in their lives wherever they have found it. I’m happier still that Kevin in particular accepts the notion that it is possible – and I would argue even typical – for members of the Mormon faith to find peace in their lives as they strive for obedience and belief. I see no meaningful purpose in belittling the sincere choices of others; we should all feel free to follow the path that brings us happiness and joy. In the end, God, our father, will help us sort through the complexities of our experiences and our deepest desires; and it will all make sense.

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Andrew
March 25th, 2013 at 10:44 pm

Hi, I’m not a Mormon, but have been fascinated to learn more about this religion ever since I met a work colleague who is Mormon. I’ve read a bit and listened to the ongoing struggles/ crises of faith that many Mormons seem to be facing.

I believe there are probably Christians among those who call themselves Mormon – but on the whole, I don’t see what Mormonism brings to the Christian faith. The Church of LDS seems to mis-direct people and actually make it harder to come to Christ and live in the power and freedom of his Spirit. (that is what the testimony of many Mormons are saying).

The Book of Mormon and Abraham seem to be demonstrably false – not that the former does not have some things that may be true (much is taken from the KJV), so I find it ironic that the BoM is held up as a paradigm and the Bible is questioned – when it has been subject to open inquiry, something that Mormon’s ought to apply to their holy texts and should encourage.

God bless you all in your journey – may you know the deep peace, joy, love and rest that comes from a relationship with Jesus Christ based on his finished work. On this we are free to enter into the work we have been called to in His name – our work does not justify us, the only recommend we can have is that we trust and stand in Christ.

Karen
June 30th, 2013 at 8:28 am

Great response Andrew…keep going! Your sister in Christ

Amy
June 28th, 2013 at 10:45 pm

Thanks for sharing your experiences, Kevin. It’s also refreshing to read your responses to the spectrum of people of their various pathways in life. What great humanity! :) We’re all just fellow human beings in the same boat. Some are just trying to keep afloat while others decide to bust out with a wakeboard to make the ride all the better! :)

I’ve been a devoted TBM my whole life, as is every family member…clear back to Joseph Smith’s time. So as I’m just barely trying to get out of the church after accidently finding out way more than I wanted in personal research of church history. Thank you so much for your reminder that life only gets better and I have SO much to look forward to.

Random thought/insight – Have you heard that Katy Perry song “Wide Awake” lately? I can’t help but think of its relevance to leaving mormonism. It came on the radio today on my way home from work and I cranked and sang along. :) (Especially therapeutic on a day of multiple emails from the bishop trying to get me to meet with the stake president to discuss my “concerns” with the church so he can magically wisk them away for the poor single mom. Ah, the joys of starting the freedom.)d

Anyhow, thanks again for sharing. I’m SO glad I found this website this evening. :)

Karen
June 30th, 2013 at 8:24 am

I was a Mormon for 38yrs until I went in the Mormon temple in Oct 1992 with my family to be sealed for “time and all eternity.” It was revealed to me by the Holy Spirit that it was not of God. I began researching the origin of it, and found out that it was copied from the first 3 degrees of Freemasonry. It’s essentially occultic and contains the lie of satan that we can be gods. There’s only one true God and He shall have no other gods before Him. Praise be to the God of the Bible, I was born again in April 1993, and have been a true Christian for 20yrs. I have witnessed to my whole temple practicing family, that except a man be born again he cannot enter the Kingdom of God! Only the Holy Spirit can lead anyone involved in a false religion out of the darkness of satan’s kingdom and into the perfect light of Jesus. I lost my husband, home and custody of my 2 daughters for 7yrs, everything that was near and dear to me as a wife and mother. Kevin, what price did you pay for leaving the Mormon church and what has it cost you? I see you wearing a cross, praise God, are you a born again believer? Hope you are my friend. Praise God you have been set free, and if you are free in Christ, you are free indeed!

June 30th, 2013 at 8:36 am

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July 5th, 2013 at 6:42 am

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John Henderson
December 17th, 2013 at 2:44 am

Well Kevin, it certainly takes courage and integrity to proclaim beliefs that certainly don’t mirror the Utah mainstream Mormon belief system. I would like to give you 2 thumbs up way high for sharing your insightful story. I believe I attended school
with you back in Ogden, though that was some time ago. Hopefully things are going well for you.

Tasha
February 23rd, 2014 at 12:21 pm

The reason why I enjoyed your video was that you didnt focus your reason for leaving on church history and doctrine discrepancies but on feelings.. I am struggling soooo much to decide what I believe. I do not have peace. My father is a bishop and my mother a seminary teacher. They both are relentless in telling me I will never be happy without the gospel. I would like to believe that I can have the peace outside the church you do with your family. I am 23 and feel just how you did on the plane….I want to be happy but am absolutely terrified of leaving. I have felt the spirit during “repentance” and fear that I am being deceived,,,how do you know you are not being deceived?

Brett butterfield
October 21st, 2014 at 2:11 am

You rock kevin! Thank you for your courage, the airplane story was very powerful and as I told you in person, I realized I had some airplanes of my own as do many of us. The most spiritual moment of my life was the night I realized that I didn’t have to believe “it” anymore. Get rid of those airplanes, follow your heart, it will not fail you!

Beth
November 20th, 2014 at 1:48 pm

Hi Kevin,

I am so confused!! I am not an ex Mormon but I do live with one and I find it a challenge almost every day. He left the church 5 years ago and I think that he still struggles with finding his true identity. He was a bishop in his church and I think that he was so used to being the one who moulded his people that he cannot let go of that…. I am really struggling to explain this and am hoping that as an ex Mormon you might unfpderstand this more. Could you please help me? We love in the UK.

Beth x

Jeff
January 5th, 2015 at 6:07 pm

Incredible journey out from under the umbrella of Mormonism Kevin. I stumbled onto this website by chance today while looking up information on T.B.M. and I don’t mean “True Believing Mormons”. I am a Chiropractor looking to better serve my patients and was interested in Total Body Modification and your name popped up. I clicked on the website but must have hit iamanexmormon by accident. When I saw your video it just floored me! I have been searching on and off for years to find you and here you are. The reason for my search was to thank you for introducing me to this wonderful healing art some twenty four years ago while I was a student at the University of Utah. Your passion for healing and love and caring for my wife and I made a huge impact on my life, so much so that I decided to dedicate the rest of my life to serving and helping restore healing to people lives. I too have left the church for what appears to be many of the same reasons as you. About a year ago I had a crisis of faith while teaching the Gospel Essentials class. I will never forget that day and that class discussion. It was on baptism of all things. During the discussion I asked the class a series of simple questions; if today was to be your last how many of you would feel assured that you are going to be “saved” and go the the celestial kingdom? How many of you here today feel that with confidence you could answer in the affirmative to that question without any hesitation? How many of you would consider yourself to be born again? Oh what fun it was to see there eyes roll into the back of there heads as I posed those three questions. One sister sitting on the front row just couldn’t hold back her emotion and blurted out, oh brother Wells how can we know the answer to those questions, how can anyone know the answer to those questions. We all have to wait to be judged and it will be according to our “worthiness” and the works that we performed upon the earth. Only then can we know brother Wells if we have been saved in the Kingdom of God. Wow! It wasn’t just that wonderful Mormon sister who answered the questions in that fashion but it was the cumulative consensus of everyone in attendance that Sunday including stake missionaries, ward missionaries, missionaries and new converts. I failed to mention I was also the ward mission leader at the time (fresh off from being replaced/released as seminary teacher). I took a deep breath in and let out a sigh that was audibly noticed by all in our small class and without any warning I started to cry my eyes out. How absolutely awful right! I’m a dude man, this shouldn’t be happening, not now. Even now as I type this I get overwhelmed by emotion. I too, have been at the crossroads of a decision to end it all. Feelings of wanting to have my life end because living with the hypocrisy of knowing that I am a sinner and that whatever I did always fell far short of what I felt I should be doing according to the Mormon Church and my Mormon God. I just knew I was a sinner but I knew I was a very much loved and saved sinner. You see, I had been secretly meeting with a group of men in my neighborhood having a bible study for a year in the book of Romans and Galatians ( This is what drew me out of Mormonism). I had gone on a bible retreat that changed my life too and there in the swamps of Florida face down in the mud and muck met my Savior in spirit. I know what it meant to feel dirty and yet clean not because of my work but because of Jesus Christ loving work on the cross. I knew that my Father loved me, unconditionally and not based on my efforts but based on the Sons. I came to understand that the word ” strive” in Greek means to agonize over not to work harder. I had come to that place where I agonized over my sins and acknowledged that I needed a Savior- God. I gave it all away ( including my will) to Him that day. I no longer carried that backpack of sin- boulders on my back. The freedom and the gift is really inexplicable! It’s the ‘Gospel” (The good news) message of “Grace”. To Mormons this word carries a different meaning. Just ask a group of them and observe the response. Restored Gospel, restored authority, priesthood, families are forever. The word means “good news”. That God in his love for us sent his Son to die for us and that on the third day he arose and was resurrected. The death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ and that whomever should believe and have faith in him should have life eternal. That’s the good news! Baptism is just symbolic if this gift. Wow, so sorry to go off like that. I am just preaching to myself here. God bless!

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