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Devin Website Photo

Devin, Teacher, Father, Gay Ex-Mormon

My Authentic Journey

I’m not here to list all the reasons why the church isn’t true. That’s easy enough to see with a quick ten minute Google search…

Mind you, that’s not how I discovered the church wasn’t true for me. There are teachings and beliefs that are indisputably wrong. However, in the end it wasn’t the doctrines – it ended up being the practice. Modern Mormonism purports itself to be the path of happiness. This is where it came falling down for me. When I clearly saw that it wasn’t bringing me or my family happiness, I had to leave.

One significant memory that’s been seared into my mind was when my son, six years old at the time, responded to my gentle reprimand over something he did wrong, “I will never be good enough.” I couldn’t bear the thought that this sweet little boy would have such a harmful, negative idea placed in his mind in such an early age. It’s a theme in Christianity and Mormonism, especially: you can never be good enough.

My children, too, helped me to accept that I was gay. I asked myself the question: “What if one of them grew up and told me they were gay?” I couldn’t bear to tell them that they must hide who they are, or live a life devoid of love. Being a parent completely changed my perspective. Although I no longer hold to any religious belief, I cannot imagine a loving god would want his creation to live a life devoid of love and authenticity. Mormonism still requires this of its members.

The easiest metaphor I can use for this journey is from Mormonism. Adam and Eve needed to leave the garden to live a life that enabled them to experience joy. The paradise in the garden didn’t allow them to experience life to the fullest. I think that is what Mormonism does today – it limits the agency of its adherents and prevents them from living a life full of joy. It prevents choice, hides truth and marginalizes those that do not fit the mold.

Just like Adam and Eve leaving the garden – I entered a lone and dreary world. The last five years of my life have been among the most difficult. I have never experienced such sorrow. I was denied the joy of sorrow. I was denied the freedom to choose without condemnation, and was denied the ability to fall deeply in love. I was denied the ability to have my heart broke into many piece because I fell in love for the first time only to have that crushed to pieces. Along with that sorrow, I have never experienced such exquisite joy. I could never go back to the garden with its pretty trees and sweet-smelling flowers. I much prefer living life with my eyes open, with a full range of emotions, and the ups and downs that bring true joy.

As I said in the beginning of my video, I feel compelled to join in the vocal condemnation of Mormonism. Not only did the organization use my integrity to tell lies to others in hopes that they would join, it compelled me to live a lie and to lie to those around me that I loved and cared about. It is my moral obligation to correct the wrongs and warn others.

Another metaphor from Mormonism seems pertinent here. When you’ve tasted the most desirable fruit that has filled your very soul with joy, you only want others to experience it. What is offered through Mormonism is canned fruit. I’ve been able to experience fruit directly from the tree of life and desire all to receive it.

And finally, I wanted my children to know that I finally feel good enough.

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robbie
November 30th, 2013 at 5:56 pm

Wooooow. U think ubr full of joy all u did was leave a cult but u r not free yet. U need JESUS CHRIST more than ever!

Elohim
December 6th, 2013 at 1:34 pm

All this Jesus talk, I’m the one who started it all. If anything Jesus needs me.

Lou
January 21st, 2014 at 2:00 am

Robbie – the muslims think you belong to a cult, so maybe stop throwing around slurs like cult and start being a Christian. I don’t think you belong to a cult.

Devin
November 30th, 2013 at 9:44 pm

Robbie, I’m 100% confident that the person you call Jesus Christ would accept me exactly for who I am. Who know… There’s a possibility he was gay, too.

Lou
January 21st, 2014 at 2:02 am

uhhh…..No Devin. Don’t fall into that tired gay practice of saying eveyrone’s gay so you can feel better about yourself. Just be happy with what you are without having to see the world made into your perfect place. the rest of us live here too. ::) I would add that you seem like a genuinely nice guy which is a switch from a lot of gay activists who seem like hell on wheels to me – and it’s so transparent why they behave that way and decidedly immature.

Devin
January 21st, 2014 at 11:06 pm

I wouldn’t have left the comment about Jesus possibly being gay if the thought hadn’t been explored before. I do not try and get people to fit into my mold. All I was saying was that it was a possibility. I think Jesus existed (unlike some of my other friends); however, I do not think it is outside the realm of reality.

Lou
January 21st, 2014 at 2:08 am

Devin – don’t you think it’s terribly lame and silly to say that because you couldn’t feel good in the church – because of your lifestyle – that Mormonism is canned fruit? I mean, how lame is that to attack the whole religion just because you didn’t fit in or wanted to live outside the commandments. Be happy and go on with your life. Don’t take lame cheap shots.

Devin
January 21st, 2014 at 11:13 pm

My lifestyle? That’s a little funny. I left the church a long time before I every had a boyfriend or even kissed a guy. I left the church when I saw what it was doing to my wife at the time and my little boy. It was a canned fruit of sort – a prescribed way of being. Mind you, some people really like canned fruit. As a child I preferred canned fruit to fresh fruit. I still like canned fruit. However, once I was able to see life through non religious eyes, I was able to appreciate it more. I’m still a very moral person. I’m about the kindest most honest person that I know. My criticism of Mormonism has to do with that honesty… not about living a “lifestyle.”

Brian Ballard
February 9th, 2014 at 10:18 pm

Sour grapes

Devin
February 11th, 2014 at 4:32 pm

Only if you turn them into wine…. mmmmm wine!

Delfi
July 26th, 2015 at 11:33 am

Actually, if it were a socialist sysetm, we might not have to pay so deeply for our medical care. Since we are a capitalist sysetm and our medical care is [since Nixon endorsed Kaiser Corp!] increasingly provided by private, corporations; self medication, even vitamin supplements and demand for labeling GMO food is seen as being un- American. Funny, we can question, discuss & otherwise seek the truth about religion, but we still believe that socialized medicine (which is what every major European & Scandinavian nation provides for its people] is wrong. And whatever is in our food & H2O is on a need to know basis and we are not in that loop. Looking at the demographics of Europe & Scandinavia and the fast changing demographics of America is a very disturbing clue as to WHY we are privatizing medical care, education & prisons. I wonder what Jesus would do now. +17Was this answer helpful?

robbie
December 1st, 2013 at 5:36 am

Wrong. Saying Jesus was gay is heresy. Yes He loves you just like He loves Mormons and Catholics and Atheists. BUT unless you accept Him as your Lord and Savior and accept His free gift of salvation, you will not enter the kingdom of God. I don’t hate you I love u enough to tell u this. Sodom and Gomorrah have been found and it’s exactly how the bible describes it. Now before u call me self righteous know this: I used to be LDS but now I’m a Born Again Christian. I’m sorry religion hurt u. Jesus Christ is not religion He is ourvSavior Christianity is about a personal walk with Christ not works but grace. I urge u to please talk to Jesus. I promise He will answer. God bless.

Joseph
December 1st, 2013 at 9:02 pm

Robbie: excellent reply
Q (Jesus) does love us as we are. That is a 1/2 truth. The other half is: He doesn’t want or expect us to REMAIN AS WE ARE.

Lou
January 21st, 2014 at 2:04 am

But Robbie – Faith without works is dead. Dead brother. Jesus saves us but he still asks us to be obedient. Surely you’re not confused on that.

robbie
December 1st, 2013 at 5:44 am

I suggest also u look up YouTube videos of homosexuals becoming Christian. Oh and anyone who tells u homosexuality is the worst sin they are lying. Sin is sin and God will judge u equally. I’m sorry if Christians have been rude and mean. But I love u enough to warn u about hell.

Devin
December 1st, 2013 at 7:12 am

This will be my last reply to your ideas as they are simply wrong and don’t warrant an argument. To suggest that gay men should become straight suggests that what you believe is just as much of a cult as what you suggest Mormonism is. I’m sorry you traded one harmful belief system for another.

Lou
January 21st, 2014 at 1:50 am

Well Devin – your story sounds pretty sad, but at least Mormons wouldn’t have damned you to hell for being gay. So were you 100% gay from the moment you were born or was there some social impact as well? And you left the church to be gay and now you attack it because the church is the enemy of gay people?

Devin
January 21st, 2014 at 11:20 pm

There’s both a biological and environmental component to why someone is gay. I clearly knew I was different than other guys growing up. None of my peers were in the least bit surprised that I was gay. It just was part of who I am. Puberty solidified my sexuality.
The church’s stance on gays is only the smallest part of why I am a critic. I’m a critic because the church is built on lies and asks people to lie for the church. It is an honesty thing.
To be completely honest, I didn’t leave the church to be gay. I was gay before I left the church. I also stayed married to my ex wife for 2 years after we both left the church. We sincerely tried any way we could to make it work. It didn’t. We are both much happier now living authentic lives.

Andrew
February 7th, 2014 at 4:34 pm

As one the latest things the church takes a political stand on, I’ve thought about why someone is or isn’t gay for a long time.

I had some good friends who were lesbians before I went on my mission. I didn’t know that when I met them and discovered that as I got to know them better. It didn’t matter to me. On my mission I realized they were committing horrible sins and ruining their lives (or so I thought) and I tried to lovingly persuade them to repent. Well you can guess how many gay friends I had after that….

Years later, when I figured out many parts of the church don’t make sense and then discovered the many deceptions, half-truths, and PR nature of the church…. I felt awful. I judged my friends based on lies. I had good intentions, but ultimately I was a total jerk. I’ve felt alot of anger at things I was led to believe, but this made me cry. I ruined friendships and no doubt hurt feelings of people who didn’t deserve it.

Some people may claim that’s not what the church teaches, but it’s clear as day in the scriptures and doctrines.

I’m not gay, I don’t understand, but I feel absolutely terrible for believing somebody else needs to think, believe, and act as I believe or there is no hope for them.

Jeff Hardy
December 1st, 2013 at 10:50 am

You are awesome. I love love loved this. Very life-affirming.

robbie
December 1st, 2013 at 5:31 pm

Why don’t u LOVE JESUS CHRIST?

Erik
December 2nd, 2013 at 12:06 am

Why don’t you love Thor, and Ra, and Dianna, and Asherah?

robbie
December 2nd, 2013 at 3:35 am

Well cause Thor comics are kind of boring to me. I’m more of a dc comics guy and not a marvel comics guy. And because those other gods don’t exist. While evidence for the existence of for the ZGOD of the bible does. Archeology has proven the bible to be true. And so my faith on the true ZGOD is not blind faith because there’s proof. Atheism Mormonism Catholicism free masonry Hinduism Jehovah’s witnesses Islam and all the other religions are false because they speak of a different god. And the bible says if any man or angel from above preaches another gospel than the one in the Bible let him be accursed. Jesus also called folks who preached another gospel different than his thou vipers. I! A Christian and unlike Mormons and the rest I don’t need to earn my salvation with a never ending lisybof works. God bless

Lou
January 21st, 2014 at 1:51 am

Thor is a Marvel guy Robbie and Jesus is the Lord of the Universe.

Len
December 7th, 2013 at 12:08 am

Why do you love a a monster who will burn you forever if you don’t profess to love Him.
Because you are frightened by a fairy tale you were told as a child.

Duygu
February 17th, 2016 at 7:06 pm

I have thought that too, that paherps God was a captain from another planet. What gets me about religion is people, like your family for example, get mad if you dont say you totally believe in whatever that family has believed. Why cant people focus on why so many people work or retired and are put under great stress by someone such as the govt deliberaltely giving them less than what is needed to be even modestly comfortable in an advanced society, always have to have just somewhat less. For example did you know if youve worked all your life at non stellar type jobs you get less than 12 k if you retire at 72 and only 14k at 66. Not supposed to care though because its the end times. -3Was this answer helpful?

Jennifer
December 6th, 2013 at 12:38 pm

Devin, thanks so much for sharing your story. I love how you put that cliche about the Church helping people be good on its ear. Keep living authentically.

Devin
December 10th, 2013 at 10:31 pm

Thank you!

Strater
December 6th, 2013 at 1:40 pm

Devin, thank you so much for being brave enough to share your story! You are an amazing person and so deserving of the love that you need to be happy.

Devin
December 10th, 2013 at 10:31 pm

Thanks Strater. I am glad to have your friendship and support!

robbie
December 7th, 2013 at 9:46 am

Wow u folks REALLY need JESUS

Troll
December 21st, 2013 at 9:27 am

jesus is gay

CamInUT
December 9th, 2013 at 7:25 pm

I’m a non-Mormon attempting to live and work in Utah in a conservative town and some days it makes me want to cry. Today I witness a teenage boy being bullied, harrassed and belittled by an LDS teen named Brigham simply because he thought evolution might be true. Devin, did you experience bullying in your youth for being different (even if you weren’t out)? Are Mormon young people trained to think bullying and belittling are strategies for winning converts?

Devin
December 10th, 2013 at 10:27 pm

I grew up in a Mormon village in Southern Alberta. I can honestly say that I didn’t feel any bullying. I experiences teasing and was very self conscious because I knew that I was different. Some kids were not nice to me. I chose to associate with those that were nice to me. I expect that I’d still get along with these same people even though they are active members of the church. I’d likely not get along with those that I didn’t as a kid. When you live in a culture, you get the full spectrum of people.

Lou
January 21st, 2014 at 1:53 am

That’s so true Devin and there are a lot of really hateful gay people these days and you don’t appear to fit that description. good for you.

robbie
December 10th, 2013 at 9:30 am

What the lds kid did was wrong. Hes a s inner unsaved like u caminut u r unsaved and need Jesus abd evolution is a ridiculous idea disproven by science

Ben
December 10th, 2013 at 11:16 am

You are an ass, Robbie. If Jesus were real, he would hate the way you treat people like crap.

Way to go Devin. For every prick like Robbie here, remember that every day there are more and more of us who support you.

Devin
December 10th, 2013 at 10:33 pm

Thanks Ben. People like this do not bother me for the most part. I only feel sadness for them.

robbie
December 11th, 2013 at 6:36 am

What have I actually said that was hurtful? I dont recall personally attacking u or anyone else. I am merely telling u about the true gospel oc Jesus Christ and warning you about hell. I love u enough to tell u this . Oh and john 3:16

Lou
January 21st, 2014 at 1:54 am

I think it was the part about hell Robbie. Hello. You should become a Mormon and understand that all God’s children will receive a reward according to what they desire in the end.

robbie
December 10th, 2013 at 2:59 pm

How am I evil?

Lou
January 21st, 2014 at 1:57 am

You are judging Robbie and that’s veboten in the NT. Teach the truth and cut out the Hell talk and the Too Late talk. You wouldn’t ever see a Mormon say Devin will burn in hell – although gay people can be really, obscene and hateful sometimes – obviously not Devin. Of course, there are a lot of hateful people everywhere these days – although at least religion – INCLUDING MORMON FAITH – teaches against that. What inspires atheists to not be hateful?

Devin
January 21st, 2014 at 11:29 pm

I think what is illustrated here is that “people” can be hateful. Not just gays or Christians or Mormons. Any kind of person can be hateful. Most of the people I associate with are not hateful. The gay guys I know are not. I don’t surround myself with people that are.

To be fair, criticism isn’t being hateful. Here we are criticizing the ideas of each other. Criticism is a form of respect when it’s done thoughtfully. Thoughtful criticism has a tendency to change the world into a better place.

Fitriadi
February 17th, 2016 at 9:17 pm

The Book of Deuteronomy 4:2 says: Do not add to what I command you and do not stcbraut from it, but keep the commands of the LORD your God that I give you. Now if Mormons are Christians, why do you not acknoledge this and other verses in the bible that say the same thing? The book of Mormon actually proves JS to be a false prophet, and it and the other books of this cult mock God. I read the doctirne, I’ve seen the Adam/Eve Mormon movie, I’ve seen the ceremony of Endowment in the Mormon temple. I’ve been accused of bashing Mormons, not my intend, but I will not sit by and listen to the lie. Doesn’t matter if you believe the deception, I don’t care if you believe it, lots will not believe the truth. But you are not a Christian, that is a lie. -7Was this answer helpful?

robbie
December 19th, 2013 at 4:11 am

Another thing that proves fhe bible to be true: dna history archeology linguistics science and geography! Please I am urging you folks to trust in JESUS before itz too late.

Troll
December 21st, 2013 at 9:29 am

na jesus is gay

robbie
December 22nd, 2013 at 4:27 pm

You are a goinv to rsgret sayi g that. Jesus doesnt take being mocked lightly. Repent before you face his wrath

Keli
January 11th, 2014 at 10:04 pm

Thank you so much for your bravery, Devin! Do you mind if I ask what has become of your (I’m assuming) ex-wife and children? It’s exciting to hear that you will be soon marrying someone you truly love. I’m happy for you :)

Devin
January 12th, 2014 at 11:26 am

Keli,
My children live with me one year and their mother the next. When the kids are away, I talk to them on the phone almost everyday. I talk to my ex wife on the phone almost everyday, too. We’ve got past the hurt and are able to do what’s best for the boys.

As to the marriage… This video way filmed over 2 1/2 years ago. I got married and it fell apart immediately. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through in my life. I’d still never change what has happened as I value the ups and downs in my authentic life.

I have found love again… So we shall see…

robbie gorman
January 13th, 2014 at 12:19 pm

Devin be a man u flamer

Dannell
March 4th, 2014 at 10:12 pm

Please read this it might help

I am a life coach and help empower individuals to believe in themselves by reconnecting and trusting in their pure emotions. I have been researching neural pathways and how they generate energy that our bodies feel as emotions. I began researching this because of the extreme emotional weight I was feeling in my personal life because of the LDS church. In short; Our neural pathways develop through our experiences and they generate the energy that create our emotions. The most important thing we need to understand is our emotions in their design simply support your belief system no matter what it is and our neural pathways and emotions do not care what are belief system is. We can better understand this if we objectively look at all the belief systems that exist on the earth today and ask ourselves this one simple question. Why do so many individuals strongly believe in different beliefs and defend them even to the point that they do not look at fact or truths that are contrary to their beliefs? Answer; The more time you spend building your rewards that you will receive in the next life so that you can feel extreme joy once you receive it, the stronger emotions of you will feel protecting your belief system. This is why you feel such extreme anger when you realize the LDS church is not true. In that moment or process you are having your extreme event of emotions that you have been working on, the problem is because of the knowledge you have learned you do not feel extreme joy when you have finally received your reward, but rather you feel extreme anger and other emotions that you need to settle out.
Here is another example of how emotions support belief systems no matter what it is. If you believe you need to put on makeup to look good before you leave the house, then if you leave the house and someone looks at you, your emotions will begin making you feel self conscious about how you look and you will then begin having thoughts supporting the fact that you should of put on makeup before you left. The stronger your emotions and thoughts are in this moment gives you insight to how strong the belief is. When this belief is extreme then basically you have two choices 1st put on makeup every time you leave the house, 2nd recognize your neural pathways and emotions are way out of balance in this belief and use techniques to help return your neural pathways/emotions to natural parameters.

robbie gorman
March 6th, 2014 at 8:52 am

But I dont put my faith on emotiobs I put tgem on fact. Evidence nice try. But prove to me the bible is false u cant

Josie
March 17th, 2014 at 3:52 pm

Devin,

Thank you so much for your eloquent message of love and hope. I admire your courage, as I’ve often considered what it would be like to be featured in one of these videos, and I can only imagine the amount of bravery it would require. Thank you for giving validation to the reasons why I always felt so oppressed as a child. It is true that this culture in no way encourages authentic living. Rather, a way of living that is explained as unattainable, but something to strive for regardless. Since I have resolved that I am worthy of love and acceptance just the way that I am, I have truly been liberated. I loved listening to, and reading your message.

Phil
March 21st, 2014 at 12:02 pm

People make the church to be like this horrible, evil cult, where it is such a struggle to leave and get away from. Dude, people fall away from the church all the time. Its not a big thing. But the thing that upsets me is that people over look the basic values the church teaches and distorts doctrine to make it look like a horrible place. Get a life and do something with it instead of trying to confuse others.

Devin
March 25th, 2014 at 9:29 pm

I do have a full and amazing life. I credit that in part to leaving the church. I am the first to say there is good in the church. I said it in my video – the people make the church good by what they choose to believe and practice. However, in the end, the church stifles the goodness that people could have. I do not believe you can fully love one another and stay in the church. The church requires that you judge others . Yes, I said requires. You cannot answer temple recommend questions without basically saying you have nothing to do with people who disagree with the church.

The basic values taught in the church are so far from unique, and they are distorted by men pretending to speak to god. Keep the values. Discard the distortion.

Ken
July 21st, 2014 at 9:18 pm

Devin,
I can relate to the absolute joy that you must have in your life. I was born and raised in an LDS home that mirrors every single stereotype. I thought fear, loneliness, and abuse were all a part of every day life. On top of it all because I was gay I had no hope in this life or the next life.
I can not even describe how it is to be freed of all of those damning feelings. I now spend my life enjoying my life today rather than always hoping tomorrow will be better.
I hold no bitterness toward anyone of the LDS faith or any other faith for that matter. I am no longer obsessed with hoping I will be worthy to live in the Celestial Kingdom with my family. If the after life was exactly like my life today, I could not be more happy.
I know God is with me every day, he loves me more than I can even comprehend because he has given me a life today beyond my wildest dreams.

Ron
April 27th, 2015 at 11:56 pm

Great video. Glad things are better for you. Sorry about all the negative comments from others.

Abdou
February 17th, 2016 at 6:56 pm

Your entire relioign was started by a convicted conman (joseph Smith) based only on one more of his cons. Dna has now proven that We native Americans are NOT decendants of the jews or hebrews, which is the basis of your cult. The fact(?) that the book of Mormon tells of civilizations here that had iron bronze horses cattle sheep and much else are totaly a myth. Not one relic of those civilizations have ever been found even though they were less than 2000 years old. Not one bone button or spearpoint, not one fossil has ever been found. TOTAL FRAUD! And futher more to use and classify Native American as inferior to you is disgusting and ungodlt. What about we are all gods Children? +5Was this answer helpful?

Brook
August 6th, 2015 at 8:49 pm

You recorded this over two years ago at this point. I scanned through the comments you received… maybe in the last two years people have found true happiness inside themselves and don’t need to put you down on message boards. :)

I just wanted you to know there are people who appreciate your story and your bravery in sharing it with and helping others. I am an ex myself (about 18 years now). It was painful, especially having a large family of origin who truly believed I ruined their chances at being a forever family in the celestial kingdom.

And PS, whenever you read this, I think not even a month has past since the landmark Supreme Court decision; if you find love again and want to get married, you can do so in any state in the US!

Becca
November 18th, 2015 at 12:57 am

I think that your thought about the people are good is correct, but they are so brainwashed I don’t know if anything will change in our lifetime, although I am hopeful. Was the counselor a part of the Evergreen program?

Aric
February 20th, 2016 at 1:03 pm

I’m a little late to the party, but I wanted to thank Devin for telling his story. As a straight person raised in the Mormon culture, I had a lot of misconceptions about homosexuality and about gays. That changed as I got to know a few gay men who were really good guys and really comfortable being who they were. When my brother came out a little over a year ago, I was able to celebrate him and his bright future thanks to the examples of my gay friends who had the courage to be themselves. The world needs more Devins.

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