Sons of Perdition Official Website

When I was 19, I made one of the best decisions of my life, and left the LDS church. I had finally accepted that the part of me that was attracted to women was a beautiful part of me, and that I deserved an environment of respect and love. Although at the time I had hope the church would change it’s views and I could exist in their walls again some day, I knew what would be best for me, and that wasn’t to continue as an LDS member. When I was 20, my relationship with my girlfriend was suddenly revealed to several members of our very, very Mormon neighborhood, including my girlfriend’s family. The constant, longstanding abuse and manipulation received at the hands of people that had been close to us in the recent past, caused an enormous amount of stress to be put on me and on my girlfriend. And although I recognized that the LDS leaders were not directly to blame for the members’ bad behavior, I wondered about the effect that the Church had had on these members to have them act this way. It hurt to watch my girlfriend, a woman I deeply loved, being so directly harmed by the community that had, only a few months ago, always had their arms open. After finally moving away, I welcomed a chance to heal– but more changes were on the way.

Since I was a young child, I’ve quietly thought of my Self in male terms. I never quite felt right in my female body or my life. It was deep and intangible, and I didn’t have the language to consider it consciously until I was almost 21. As a young child, I thought I would, and desperately hoped I would, grow into a man. I was a staunch feminist, and did not necessarily mind being a woman if I was one, but I would think about how much I wanted facial hair, and to look like a man and to live as a man and how much I did not fit in. I felt that this was how it was- I was born with a female body, and that was it. I had no clue that I would be able to better match my body to my brain, my self.

At a Halloween party when I was 20, I finally got the chance to begin thinking consciously about my gender. A fellow female-to-male transgender student at my university had been on a panel I had seen. He had described being transgender and, curiously, most of what he had said described my experience with my sense of my gender spectacularly well. It was his party that I went to on Halloween.

For Halloween, I dressed up as a character in a favorite book. The character was a woman who would dress like a man and lived half her life as male. I did my best to dress like I was a man, and I didn’t do very well at it. I wasn’t convincing. My trans friend dressed up as a cop. He wasn’t dressing up as a man who was dressing up as a cop. Just a cop. And he definitely looked male. My reaction, a raging jealousy, shocked me. But the thought that kept running through my head: He will always have what I will always want, and never have. I knew that I wanted to live in this world as a man, and I suspected that I had felt this way for some time but it had always felt like an unreachable goal. The next few months were very confusing for me as I came to two conclusions.

It was around this same time that I was recommended the website Mormonthink.com. Mostly until then, my disagreements and disappointments with the Church leaders, doctrines, history and practices were based in a defense of human suffering. Reading Mormonthink, and discovering more well-cited information about the LDS church than I could possibly remember in my lifetime, I decided that based on the evidence I had, I did not believe the LDS church to be “true”. This occurred around the same time that, after several months of thought and education, I came to the conclusion that I was a transman, a man who was born with the body of a woman. Within a few months, I came out to my parents and siblings. My parents, devoutly LDS, have been loving and patient. I am very grateful for the love and kindness and respect that they have shown me and my partner. I have been on testosterone for over a year, almost always “pass” as male in public. I feel much happier and at peace.

My name is Jack and I’m an Ex Mormon.

Links that Jack recommends:

MormonThink

Welcoming our Trans Family and Friends (A support guide for parents, families and friends of transgender and gender non-conforming people)

My name is Nick Godfrey. I was raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My dad is a lifelong member, while my mom converted to the church when I was three years old. Throughout my life I chose to believe and participate in the church. I always attended my church meetings and fulfilled my callings. I strove to obey the doctrines and practices of the church as strictly as possible. I drew a great deal of comfort from my beliefs. Mormonism was at the core of my identity.

In July 2010 I started questioning whether I had a solid basis to believe in Mormonism. I concluded that I couldn’t base my testimony on subjective feelings or personal spiritual experiences because first, people of all faiths feel similar emotions when they worship their gods, and read their holy books and if that is the standard of evidence that I accept Mormonism under, I would have to extend the same standard of evidence to these theologies. Second, the emotions and feelings that lead me to accept Mormonism, no matter how strongly they felt, or how externally generated they felt, could too easily be a product of self-delusion, hallucination, miss-perception, pattern-seeking, or wishful-thinking. I concluded that I needed to look for objective evidence if I was going to accept Mormonism.

As I began to study Mormon history and doctrine deeper than I ever had in my life I began to discover many parts of the church’s history that were intentionally hidden from me. I learned that Joesph Smith claimed to have translated the Book of Mormon from a hat, using a magic rock which he had previously used to defraud his neighbors through a practice known as “money digging”. I learned that every truth claim in the BoM is contradicted by modern archeology, linguistics, and DNA evidence. I learned that egyptologists unanimously agree that the papyrus which Joseph Smith claimed was written “by the hand of Abraham” actually dates to thousands of years after the time that Abraham lived, and not a word of the Book of Abraham translates correctly. The deeper I studied, the larger problems I discovered in the first vision, the priesthood restoration, and every other foundational claim in the LDS church. Eventually I concluded that the historical record is consistent with Mormonism being a product invented by Joseph Smith, Sidney Rigdon, and their contemporaries.

Once I came to this conclusion I had to decide what I still believed. I began to look at Christianity with a critical eye. I had to confront the problems in the bible. I had to question why god would command his people to commit genocide against innocent men, women, and children, why he condoned and commanded slavery, and rape? I had to question why god had inspired the bible to include such ludicrous stories as the garden of Eden or the global flood, and why the all knowing creator of the world hadn’t included such important knowledge as modern medicine and physics. In the end I concluded that the bible was probably written by primitive people trying to make sense of the world with very limited knowledge.

Then I had to confront god. As I looked through history I saw that at one time god was in every storm, every earthquake, and in every aspect of human’s lives. Then, as we began to explore the world and studied how it really worked, we began to find natural explanations for storms and earthquakes. Eventually we were able to explain the formation of the earth and the diversity of life without any sort of supernatural explanation. I began to wonder why god had hidden the evidence of his existence. I began to wonder why god allowed all the pain and suffering in the world. Why would god allow innocent children to be raped, murdered, and tortured? Why would god allow babies to contract cancer and AIDS before they were even born? I began to study arguments for and against the existence of god. I studied the cosmological argument, the teleological argument, the ontological argument, the moral argument, the empirical arguments, the problem of evil, and so on. Eventually I concluded that the arguments against god’s existence were more compelling than the arguments for god’s existence.

At first this was devastating. I went through periods of anger and depression. I wanted too badly for everything I’d been taught to be true, but I could not find evidence to support it. As time went on I became more at peace with my conclusions. I had to restructure my world-view, but I began to find myself more inspired and motivated to work for the good of humanity. Losing faith in the afterlife meant that I only had one shot. and had to make the most of it. Eventually I found others who had been raised with the same beliefs I was, and came to the same conclusions I did. I now have a large circle of close friends who are mostly all ex-mormon atheists going to college here in Utah County. I’ve never been happier in my life. I’ve never been more full of hope and joy. I’ve never been more motivated and optimistic. That’s not to say I’ll never change my mind. But I know the only thing that can change it is empirical evidence, and reasoned logic.

My name is Nick and I’m an Ex Mormon.

“When our leaders speak, the thinking has been done. When they propose a plan–it is God’s plan. When they point the way, there is no other which is safe. When they give direction, it should mark the end of controversy. God works in no other way. To think otherwise, without immediate repentance, may cost one his faith, may destroy his testimony, and leave him a stranger to the kingdom of God.”
~Ward Teachers’ message from the Improvement Era, June 1945

As a freshman at Ricks College, now BYU/Idaho, in 1973, replete in modest dress and full battle-make-up, that sentiment waged war with who I wanted to be: an actress, a bohemian, a performer.

But it was at Ricks where I received the Patriarchal Blessing that informed me of my calling in life: wife and mother. No, not Broadway bound, was I. The leaders spoke. I changed my major from theater and set my sights on my MRS.

In truth, the aforementioned sentiment was always at odds with my rebellious nature, but I truly longed for the blessings born of obedience and righteousness: peace, happiness, contentment, prosperity, etc. I did not want to be a stranger to God. So I truncated that part of myself to “follow the leaders.” My world was very black and white.

Temple marriage at twenty-one set my course. Nine months later the first of my three children was born. Celestial marriage, motherhood and church work, all things I had been told were my path to eternal happiness were in motion. The trouble was I was disappearing into somebody else’s life. But I pressed on so as not to lose my place in the kingdom.

It would be inaccurate to say I did not have doubts, I did. I just never gave them fertile soil in which to thrive. I was taught that questioning leads to apostasy and opens the door to Satan. At thirty-five years old I discovered the former was true, the latter a lie.

My journey began with a book, Joseph Smith, The First Mormon, recommended to me by a friend. Little did I realize that the portrait of the man I revered and sang songs to in Sacrament Service was a nineteenth-century Warren Jeffs. I began to think, what else don’t I know about the church and its origins? All I had been privy to was the white-washed historical version that emanated from the church’s multi-million dollar PR machine.

As I researched the church’s history, an arduous task conducted pre-internet, the fabric of my testimony was rent in twain and in 1989, I officially resigned my membership in the “Lord’s Church.”

In the ensuing years I have found all the things that eluded me as a faithful Mormon: peace, happiness, contentment, prosperity, etc. I am living the life of my own creation, not the one assigned to me. I am happier than I have ever been, and I no longer have moments of terror when I think, “What if they are right and I really am deceived?” The truth has indeed set me free.

My name is Pamela McCreary and I’m an Ex Mormon.

Link to Pamela’s book “Dancing on the Head of a Pin”

Link to Pamela’s website

The fact that sexual abuse is all too familiar to people both inside and outside of the Mormon Church was a major factor for me deciding to share my experience about sexual abuse.

Unfortunately, my story is many times brighter than that of many abused Latter-Day Saints. After coming to terms with the abuse and my feelings toward it I have been able to have open dialogues with my parents and friends.

Let me be clear, I was not told directly that I was to blame, I was not counseled by a bishop to believe that I had committed a terrible sin. Those judgements were based on my perception of god that I had learned through my experience in the Mormon Church and events in my life.

Many members of the Mormon Church who have experienced abuse, with its many faces, HAVE been told that they are sinners. For some, as it was for me, healing begins with and is sustained through self-love, and love from others.. For others, healing begins with the very retelling of the event. It is critical that there exists a space in which people feel safe to share the experiences of their lives.

If that safe, loving space is not found within the religious community a person is a part of, there is an obvious problem with the doctrine that is directing the leaders and members of said community.

In my experience, there is a problem with the directing doctrine of the Mormon Church where a person risks losing support of their loved ones when an individual makes an educated, heartfelt decision regarding their personal life.

I must clarify that, while I realize that certain situations with men make me uncomfortable based on my history, I am not, in any way suggesting that my queerness started with my sexual abuse.

Becoming skeptical about my belief in god opened my mind beyond the “laws of god” that I had been led to believe and had been taught that adhering to were my only option for “true” happiness.

I feel clean, I am happy, and most of all I am empowered. My eyes and heart are open to people, to their individual struggles, to their victories. We all deserve to feel and experience love and support.

While in the LGBT community formal rights are vastly important, the greater struggle is toward a literal rewriting of “social laws” to include and respect people of all sexual and gender minorities. As I mentioned, I am part of a campaign at Utah Valley University named “It’s Safe OUT Here” to move forward with the struggle to promote respect and include people of all sexual and gender minorities.

It’s Safe Out Here is calling for all LGBT and allied folks throughout Utah County and attending Utah Valley University to “come out of the closet” and share themselves and their stories with their associates, friends and families.

My personal goal is that through this campaign at UVU and in Utah County we can begin the deconstruction of homophobia, repeal negative consequences of stereotypes and pejoratives as well as build a healthy, open group of LGBT and allied peoples amongst, and hopefully someday with, Mormons.

My name is Emily Lacock and I’m an Ex Mormon.

Emily’s blog about her “It’s Safe Out Here” campaign can be found here.

I became a Mormon zealot at the age of 19, while on an LDS mission. My own thoughts were subjugated to those of “the Brethren.” I became convinced that the way to love God, myself and my fellow man was to follow the prophet faithfully and work hard to save the non-Mormons from their misery. I continued in this state until I hit a wall at age 33. I had been married for 10 years with 5 kids and one on the way. I was both a Ward Mission Leader and a Den Leader at the time. I was maxed out and miserable in just about every area of my life. My marriage was struggling, my relationship with my children was deteriorating, and financial pressures were mounting. I’d always been an avid temple goer, genealogy researcher, scripture reader, tithing payer, home teacher, family home evening holder and on and on. I lived the Mormon “Gospel.” The peace of mind that the scriptures promised to the Believers, however, wasn’t there and it was getting worse by the day.

I soon lost my desire to attend Church, but was far too committed and afraid to not. For several years I continued to live by Church teachings and pray that I would get my testimony back. Then one day the Stake President asked me to be the new High Counselor. “At last,” I thought, “my prayers have been answered! While serving in this new calling I’ll certainly regain my testimony.” Serve I did, faithfully for the entire three year rotation. When I was released, however, it was clearer to me than ever that I and the Church were on two completely different wavelengths. I saw suffering throughout our Stake, people feeling alone, unloved and unsupported. I had worked to do something about it for years. This desire, however, didn’t seem to be one that was shared by my fellow leaders. Our mandate was to preach obedience. From the reports the Stake President would give, upon returning from training meetings with Apostles and other General Authorities, it was obvious that preaching obedience was what they wanted as well. The mantra seemed to be, “If everyone would just follow the rules, everyone will be happy.” Well, I did and I was miserable. My neighbors seemed pretty good at being obedient, as well, and they didn’t seem too happy either.

As my awareness of the indifference to Member’s social, spiritual and emotional needs grew; my dissatisfaction with the Church did too. It seemed to me that somewhere along the Church’s 180 year history the idea of the Church being there for the benefit of the Members got reversed. Instead of the Church existing to help its Member’s, now it seemed that the Member’s existed to be there for the benefit of the Church. In the end, it was the doctrine of obedience before love or, more specifically, the preaching of obedience as a substitute for love, which drove me away.

Now it all seems so simple. The message of Jesus was never obedience before love, but rather obedience to love. For me, that is where, what I call Spirit, comes in. I no longer view God as someone sitting on a throne, but rather as a benevolent force that is love. Spirit informs me in every moment whether a choice I am making is in harmony with love or not. So, sure, commandments can be useful in the beginning, like training wheels for a child learning to ride a bicycle. But once we begin to mature, the reliance on those commandments and the “Brethren” should be replaced with direct interaction with Spirit. The real path of peace is inner-guided. The path of love is clear to me when I take the time to listen, both to my own thoughts and to Spirit directly. I find that I not only have peace, but that I love my life, myself and those around me. I now live true to myself and am giving the gift I was born to give. My children and I have real and meaningful relationships, my finances have steadily improved and, funny thing is, I am closer to Spirit than I ever was as a “card-carrying” Member.

If practicing the LDS faith deepens your inner peace, strengthens your ability to love and nourishes you spiritually, then Mormonism is probably perfect for you. If, however, you are like me and it doesn’t, please know that Spirit has a path for you that will. Although a bit scary at first, this path is an amazingly rewarding one, filled with personal growth that leads to a “peace that surpasses all understanding.”

As I watched two buildings explode and crush into pieces on September 11th, 2001, my life began to fall apart. It was the event that shook my soul and began my exit from the Mormon Church. As I sat speechless and terrified watching thousands of innocent people die, I wondered if they had lived genuinely. They were in a situation they couldn’t control, meeting the ends of their lives with no choice. Up until that very moment, I also felt that I had no choice. This event shook my brain into a thinking mode as no other event had done. They were in a situation they couldn’t control, meeting the ends of their lives with no choice. But I DID have a choice in the direction I would go.

A sixth generation Mormon, named after Jacob Hamblin and John Doyle Lee, I was a select member with a shining lineage. I was destined to received all the temple blessings bestowed upon me throughout my life! But I was just fooling myself. I was a gay Mormon, hiding my true desires in an “eternal marriage” that was soon to come to an end. The thought of it all was overwhelming me. Leaving the Church was certainly the end of my being, my soul. My family would abandon me without question. What would I become? I would surely lose everything. Satan already had a death grip on my ankles pulling me to his side. Leaving the Church meant death of my body and my soul.

But the day arrived when I was so terribly unhappy I actually said it aloud. I would have rather died than live one more day feeling that disastrous inside. And many men in my situation simply end it, Blood Atonement to save themselves from the endless mental prison. But somewhere inside me I knew I could make it through even this trial. Could THIS be my real test from Heavenly Father? Escaping with my life, hoping to create a better life for my wife, my kids and myself? None of it made sense any more. I woke up on my last Sunday as a believing Mormon, my wife took my kids to Church with her, and over the next three hours as they were bored out of their minds, I began researching the Church online.

Without moving from that chair, every single question I had was answered, all my doubts about the strangeness of the Mormon Church became clear, a switch literally flipped in my head so loudly that I almost heard the click. From OFF to ON.

I’m not a stupid person, but I am a person who is controlled by fear. And my rational brain was able to conquer my fear of the future and I knew that I would never believe again. In three hours I knew that the Book of Mormon was absolute fiction and completely impossible. I knew that the Pearl of Great Price was also absolute fiction and it was almost laughable. The First Vision? What version of the First Vision? Patriarchal blessings, testimonies, seminary, BYU, my mission in Spain, all my callings, my tithing money, all my temple visits, my eternal marriage, my geneology, the General Authorities, the…the…the… It ALL came crashing down into a huge pile of rubble at my feet.

And I was still standing. I became extremely angry and very hopeful. I wasn’t going to die, or fall apart, or even lose anything! I was going to use my internal resources and rebuild my life! I was going to divorce amicably, release my straight wife from our confusing marriage and life, save my kids from a life of mental entrapment, and go forth!

The tenacity I had learned as a Mormon became the tenacity I needed to start a new life. My wife and I co-parented, divorced after 4 years of amicable separation, parenting and restructuring. I rebuilt my friends, people who would support me like my family once did, and my support structures. I launched into a new way of thinking about everything, I was energized, excited, and free! If there WAS a Heavenly Father, he certainly loved me without question, I felt more spiritual than I ever had in my life. I was reconecting with nature, discovering my real self, and finding the love of my life. And I didn’t have to convince myself or others with a programmed testimony anymore.

Everything I was before I still was, just released to be happy, genuine, and free to do what I wanted, to make my own choices without fear. I was now a cast-off from the Church, an apostate, the flotsam and jetsam of my family tossed off the Mormon cruise ship to the Celestial Kingdom. But I was happy. Finally happy. Not just saying I’m happy and lying about it, I was truly, to my core, happy.

I am getting married in five weeks to the love of my life, a man I met at a gay fathers support group in Denver. Our wedding day will be our 7th anniversary together. We are raising six wonderful kids together, three are his biological children, and three are mine. Our kids range in ages from 24-10. Our ex-wives are involved in our lives, and we all get along well. We have a lovely home on a street where our neighbors accept us. I have been able to realize what I wanted that day it all fell apart almost a nine ago. I have been fortunate enough to create a beautiful life for myself. And anyone who knows me well will tell you that I am one happy guy. If this is suffering, bring it on!

My name is Steve, and I’m an Ex Mormon.

To visit Steve’s wedding site click on the following link: www.rexandsteve.com


An ABC News article about Steve and the controversial “reparative therapy” program with Evergreen.


Steve’s Ex-wife wrote a book about their experience called “My Ex is Having Sex with Rex”

Below is a preview of Steve’s book “Falling Into Life: A Gay Exmormon’s Journey”

Falling Into Life by Steven H. Lee | Make Your Own Book

I’ve been out of the church for about six years. I was a convert after high school (after much vehement opposition from my parents). My high school boyfriend was LDS and I got totally sucked in. I believed it with everything. I didn’t think it was true, I knew it. Anyway, he went on his mission and I proceeded to marry the first guy I met in college. I went to Michigan State University and was heavily involved with the student ward there so I met a returned missionary at an institute dance. We got married when I was nineteen. I had my first baby at twenty-one. I knew my marriage was awful within months and was told by bishop after bishop that this was my trial in life. During the fifteen years of my first marriage I got used to looking at everyone else who seemed happy and knowing that would never be me. I was just enduring life and was not a happy person.

One day, my husband brought a book home from the church library that they were apparently throwing away because it was discovered to be an “anti” book. It was, “Emma Hale Smith: Mormon Enigma”. What an eye-opener. That was the first moment I realized that the church could have been built on lies. I was determined to hold fast though. As I was searching for some faith promoting stories for one of my young women lessons, I accidentally stumbled upon exmormon.org. I was SHOCKED at what I was reading. I abruptly closed the window and decided that I was letting my mind go down forbidden paths. At one point, my dad asked me about a PBS documentary he had seen on Mountain Meadows. My party-line response was, “Oh that can’t be true”. At the moment I said that, I realized how programmed my thinking was. I asked my bishop about it and he claimed he had never heard of it. A little more digging into that story and I realized that it was true. I still justified it in my mind but my testimony was cracked. I struggled for two years with those cracks. I prayed and almost begged to regain my faith. I remained a “choice daughter” during this time. It’s amazing how people assumed that I failed to regain my testimony because of worthiness issues. I actually had people tell me that later. And that I was going to hell. And that I take eternal matters “lightly” because of the conclusion I ended with.

I allowed myself to further explore exmormon.org. My ex and I one day just decided to be done with it. We both knew it was a crock and we just left in the middle of sacrament meeting, literally, and never went back again. In the midst of all this I had four close family members die within a few months. One of them was a favorite aunt to cancer at 42 then her daughter at 17 to a car accident. I realized during that time of hell that I didn’t need the “gospel” to get me through life. That I didn’t need to endure a horrible marriage to get me to salvation. That I only have one shot at this thing and I was blowing it. I was free to make myself happy. Part of that was a divorce (hardest thing ever). I found Jeff through an exmormon message board (exmo-social.com). He was going through a divorce at the same time so we became friends quickly. One long-distance relationship, three cross-country moves, six kids, and one wedding later, here we are. We have just celebrated our four year anniversary and are living an authentically happy, family-centered life.

My name is Heather and I’m an Ex Mormon.

Resources that Heather found useful in her journey out of the LDS church:
One of her favorite exit stories
List of other Exit stories
Mormon Enigma: Emma Hale Smith

There is a video of Alex reading the below text (almost identical) that can be viewed here.

I’ve actually been solidly an atheist since last Winter semester, but the process began in earnest years before that, and the first indications are among my oldest memories. In CTR 6 or 7, my Mom was once the substitute teacher, and she gave a lesson on giving your testimony. She wrote “I know the church is true” on the board and called on me to say it. I refused, because I was not aware of any such knowledge, and I didn’t want to lie. I got in a bit of trouble for this. I never thought I knew the church was true–not for sure. And later when various things led to an active search for truth, I could not find a single person who could tell me how they actually knew the church was true–how do you know the feeling was the spirit? Nothing was logically convincing. I questioned various avenues, getting so anxious that I simply wanted to have the answer, so I allowed myself to consider the possibility that the church was not true. Once that was on the table, things started lining up.

The issue of faith was the problem, and the basic form of faith and the foundation of all the religion I knew was a faith in God. Now I could understand the idea of trusting God–but to trust that he existed seemed unreasonable. I familiarized myself with the arguments for and against God’s existence, and I found that there was absolutely no convincing argument that God was there. In fact, I found no reason to believe at all. Learning more about psychology and later anthropology made me realize just how simple it would be for masses of people to fool themselves into all sorts of states of mind, including a witness of the spirit. I’d even experienced such a feeling when dealing with a matter which made apparent that I had created the feeling myself–and this obvious impostor was as strong as any supposedly real spiritual experience I’d known. Then of course there was the fact that many people from many contradictory religions had similar convictions–with no outside reference, how could I trust the nature of my own experience?

In a final act of exhaustion, I directly attempted “Moroni’s Challenge” for weeks, until the obvious futility of my efforts broke the chain and I gave in to my reason’s demand to accept a godless universe. This was last February, 2010. I’d been some sort of deist for a year or so before that. For a while I was depressed, jealous of those who could still believe. I thought to myself that ignorance was bliss and that my nature condemned me to misery, and if God were real after all, to damnation. The emotional threat of God still lingered in my mind. My comfort was that any good God could not condemn me–but this was also taken when I realized the only God possible would either be a great deceiver, both inept and cruel, or an extremely limited God of the afterlife or of creation alone (a deistic God). My recent theology would have been describing the former. Further exploration solidified in my mind all the details and reasons that convinced me that the idea of God is so unlikely it is nearly impossible, certainly not worth worrying about. Examination of my sense of morality followed. I realized that not only could I not justify my moral beliefs, but I never did have any logical foundation. I’ve since found my own footing.

Critical evaluation of all my assumptions cascaded, and I found who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. Truth became my only guide–I attempt to be a philosopher–and I vowed to keep true to myself–I attempt to be an artist. Despite the church’s warnings of heartache and misery, I’m now happier than I ever have been, even surrounded by those who would reject me. I have a sense of purpose, a driving force curiously absent before. Now missing from the back of my mind are undertones of guilt and anger. I have a greater appreciation for this one life I have, and I see nature and hear music and feel sensation like never before. I’ve discovered passions that I previously dismissed off-hand. I’ve become socially aware, and I have more fulfilling connections with those around me. Even my poetry has vastly improved.

I will not hide if I do not have to, and I will not apologize for my persistence in truth-seeking. And so it is that I will officially leave the church as soon as I can, and I expect an even greater sense of freedom and purpose to follow. I am now of the opinion that religion, in every dogmatic form, is both dangerous to society and harmful to the self. I don’t want to push anyone, but I hope you will consider what I’ve written, and don’t be afraid to question anything.

My name is Alex Stout and I’m an Ex Mormon.

Alex’s youtube channel

I was born into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, also known as the Mormon Church, and remember its influence in my life from a very young age. I grew up in a family that had its share of problems, as does any family, but my parents taught us the principles and doctrine of the church and we always had strong religious role models that were big parts of our lives. I was baptized at the age of 8 despite not really knowing or understanding if I had ever received a confirmation of the truthfulness of the church. I don’t blame my parents, they were just doing what they thought was best, but from that point on there was a pressure to conform.

In Sunday school I learned that if you are worthy, the holy ghost will testify to you that the church is true when you pray and ask God. With a strong desire to please my family and fit in with my peers, I prayed, and like the townspeople in the story of the emperor’s new clothes, I fooled myself into believing there was something there that never existed.

At the age of 19 I served a mission in the Managua, Nicaragua mission. I learned and grew tremendously on my mission, and I became very loyal to the church despite still having never received my own spiritual confirmation of its truthfulness. I served my mission honorably and to completion and returned home to start my life. Within 6 months of being home from my mission i had fallen back into “sinful” pubescent practices of which I was very embarrassed and ashamed. I worked with my bishop for several months and even attended some 12 step programs to help me overcome the “natural man”. Ultimately my bishop told me one day that he hated seeing me in his office every Sunday so I stopped going to church altogether.

A short while later I moved to a new ward with a new bishop and decided to give things another shot. I didn’t work directly with my bishop at first this time; I wanted to get my habits under control before I went in to visit him so I could get everything wiped clean in one go. I did a lot of praying and a lot of scripture study. I attended church meetings and was even given a calling. Eventually I explained some of my past challenges to my new bishop but he seemed unconcerned with them and encouraged me to continue living an active lifestyle. I pleaded with God to free me from my temptations but my prayers either fell on deaf ears or on no ears at all. I became very discouraged.

In 2009 my father was killed in a roll over car accident while returning from a family outing with his wife and 3 young children. I was devastated. I eventually sought professional help for depression and to help me come to terms with losing one of the greatest friends and examples I had ever known. Coincidentally, the therapist I met with was experienced in dealing with addictions and the focus of our meetings turned more and more to healing from the cycle of addiction. I decided that I wanted to try things the secular way; just a test to see what would happen. While I met with Debbie (my therapist) I decided not to pray, not to read scriptures, and not to attend church. I wanted to try approaching this issue without the involvement of God. After 2 months I had made more progress than I ever had doing things the church’s way. I didn’t know what to think. How was it that years of trying to fix my issues with god had just been put to shame by a few months of doing things without him? Why couldn’t God have inspired one of my bishops to have directed me to someone who could actually help me?

I decided I needed to know the truth and I needed to be honest with myself about what I found out. I made a goal to develop a testimony of the church. I met again with my bishop and talked with him at length about the things I had learned. I attended my meetings. I obeyed the word of wisdom and the law of chastity. I prayed daily, more honestly and sincerely than I ever had. I studied my scriptures. As with my previous payers, I felt like they were never good enough to make it to God’s ears. For whatever reason I couldn’t believe I was someone he wanted to converse with. I had to open my mind up to other possibilities, so I started visiting other churches. I found that many of the dogmatic beliefs I had held within the Mormon church were also found within many of these other churches. They were full of people who believed that they had received personal and powerful testimonies through prayer and scripture study that whatever church they went to was the correct church. Some of them were very happy that I had started to doubt the LDS church and shared with me information I had never learned in Sunday School, such as the fact that Joseph Smith not only practiced polygamy, but was married to other living men’s wives. I would then go to church and sing hymns like “Praise to the Man” and wonder to myself, why the hell are we praising this man? Ultimately, after months of searching, I came to the sad realization that the LDS church was not true.

At the beginning of 2011 I decided to have my name removed. I remember delivering my letter of withdrawal to the post office. I didn’t feel a dark cloud come over me; I didn’t feel a godly sorrow or an absence of the spirit.. I felt peace. I felt relief. For the most part, I am still the same person that I always was; I just see the world through different lenses. I’ve found peace and happiness in developing my own framework for morality and living true to values I hold.

I am happy.

My name is Bruce Harr, and I’m an Ex-Mormon.

Links Bruce recommends:
Plato’s Cave
Instruction Manual for Life
The Best Optical Illusion in the World
Conformity